Treat Me Mean and Cruel

Jan 12, 2010 at 4:36 AM
So I'm flying on the plane from Florida to Oregon, back home after a month of traveling. I spent three weeks in Costa Rica with my girls. We part ways, I leave them with their father in Florida and I get on a plane alone to head home.

Already in agony, except the guy seated directly behind me is an ex-impersonator - focusing all his dubious skill on one subject - Elvis.

Apparently it was Elvis' birthday on the 8th of January, his 75th.

The guy seated behind me wasn't much younger than Elvis. He was pushing 70 and kept waving his arms around dangerously close to me, and talking at the top of his lungs about his glory days as an impersonator to the woman seated across the row.

He was speaking loudly enough to wake up the guy sitting next to me repeatedly.

About 45 minutes into the flight, I'm already ready to call for the plane to be grounded and this guy let out on grounds of being completely wackadoo.

Now I have nothing against Elvis. What I have a grudge against are people being incredibly loud, annoying and refusing to honor personal space rules on airplanes.

Then he gets up and walks to the front on the plane. He looks intent and walks up really close to the stewardess. I think "Oh, God, he's an Elvis Impersonator hijacker". But no, she gets on the mike to announce that we have a special guest, because Elvis is in the plane and he's gonna sing to us for a treat.

About 15 minutes into the off-key, "personalized", words-all-scrambled medley of Elvis hits, I'm ready to shoot my own ears off. Need I remind you of the terrible quality of airplane loudspeaker systems? And how they whine and get fuzzy when the person speaks loudly?

Then he sits down, finally.

Except he's still right behind me. And he's still singing. Just not on the loudspeaker anymore, thank God.

Elvis, I love. This guy, not so much.

When I finally disembark from the Heartbreak Hotel, I found myself humming Elvis tunes for the rest of the day. In the old man's thready, flat voice.

Apparently, 3 hours of torture wasn't enough. I just got rid of Blue Hawaii for good yesterday.

Oh, wait. Never mind, there it is again.


  1. Shelley Says:

    This is what happens when you fly economy, it's time for first class.

  2. Kat Says:

    I bet they could hear him in first class.