My Tarot deck is all "Old Maid" cards

May 13, 2009 at 7:32 PM
The longer I am single, the more I love it.

Don't get me wrong. I still want a man in my life again someday.

See, although I truly hated being alone at first, and do dislike long stretches of empty time with no one else in them, there is something discreetly lovely about having my house to run as I see fit, having only my word as law within my home for my children. Being able to wrap my shawl around my shoulders, sit on my throne and rule my home without anyone else doing it wrong.

There are some things about single motherhood that should not be taken for granted. This is one of them.

And it becomes a much stronger case in point for me when one of my exes says something idiotic. I am then even more grateful that I'm not subjected to them on a daily basis anymore. Over the past several days, I've learned that one of my exes can't manage tiny everyday tasks any better now than back then, another ex continues to try to "fix" my views on gay rights, and yet another one can't stick to a story to save his life. He backpedaled so far he contradicted himself. Yet again. And I'm the liar. Sigh.

At least from my viewpoint, any one of these reasons would have been good enough to end a relationship, and I sigh in contented lonely relief whenever I think what might have been. There was something very healthy in wasting those relationships. I think. They were truthfully not high enough caliber to be worth it.

However, there is the niggling fear that lays in the back of my mind that says "You know that wonderful feeling when your arms are wrapped around someone you utterly adore, your eyes are squeezed shut, your heart is full, and you've thrown yourself into an embrace with all your might? Well... You should have taken better care of it when you had it, because it's gone forever."

So I sit on the porch and drink coffee and imaging what I do want. Oddly, what I want includes reciprocation. I have yet to be reciprocated. By that I mean someone of my caliber, with a truly amazing passion for life, who feels about me the way I feel about all those I love.

I fear, though, that I may well be on my way there to the empty land of old-maidism. Perhaps that little voice is just me being realistic. I am fast on my way to becoming the old lady with eighteen cats.

I live alone in the woods, so perhaps I perpetuate the problem internally. Except when I visit my friends elsewhere, I am generally far from where there are people I might date.

But the crux of it is, I actually need no one, have no particular desire to rush after any man who wouldn't reciprocate, and I am quite happy.

I've just agreed to take on a friend's friend's daughters cats so that she can go off somewhere for a few years. I have a feeling the cats will be staying around for good. Which means I'm already a lady with too many cats. Give it a few more years and there will be the aged part, too.

Just as soon as the cats arrive this weekend, the picture will be that much closer to complete.

2 comments

  1. Kat Says:

    I know what you mean. About both sides of the coin. And agree that you - anyone - is better off happy and alone, even though missing it once in a while, than unhappily unreciprocated.

    Have I told you lately that you're awesome?

  2. Shelley Says:

    Kate came home Sunday from her friends house and told me the mom and dad had a big fight. She asked me if her daddy and I used to fight. There are so many ways that I don't miss not having a man around. And thank the gods my kid is forgetting what it was like!