"Stay out of my Personal Biznis" is the Wrong Answer to "Can I Help?"

Mar 8, 2009 at 8:51 PM
I'm thinking of writing a book. Hind sight is 20/20, right?

I'm thinking of calling it, "The Best Friend's Guide for Surviving Her Abusive Boyfriend".

Chapter Headings:

How to Find Out if This is Really Happening
Or Evasiveness and Make-Up... Is He Smacking Her Around?

How Important is This Friend
Or Are You Really Willing to Risk Yourself To Help Her?

She's Temporarily Insane, So Deal
Or Stop Trying to Make This Make Sense

The Perfect and Saintly Man Who Happens to Punch and Scream
Or Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde are Both Psychopaths Underneath

What Happens After the Fight
Or How To Handle It When She Comes Crying to You Then Makes Excuses

Don't Play Along
Or How to Make Police Reports and Save Evidence from Being Burned (by Her!!)

What To Do When She Says to Butt Out
Or When She Realizes You're Trying to Steal Him (Because there's no other reason you'd try to break them up, right?)

Don't Endanger Yourself
Or Trying to Play Hero Ends in Scary Wars

When The Fat Lady Sings
Or So She Won't Leave Him. What Now?

How to Help Her Relocate
Or What to Do When and If She Finally Actually Really Decides to Leave Him and How to Tell The Difference

Whatcha think?


I had ten years of being the very best of friends with someone I thought was levelheaded and sane. Then, for several years, she kept trying to hide from me what he did, how bad it was. She was constantly needing rescue from her abusive boyfriend. Then she'd go back to him or tell him how to find her, and they'd go back to it. And I'd become the bad guy who tried to split them up.

Finally I realized that she had to want help in order to get it. She has to want out. And I left it there. I'd gotten her safely where he had no idea how to find her several times, and she undid it each time. That's certifiable. Loving someone who hits you instead of helps you is plum crazy.

Someday maybe she'll leave him for good. Meanwhile two of her kiddos are safe with their dad and she's on my sheeet list for wasting so much of my help, time, money, effort, care, etc.

I think maybe a book of survivor stories from the best friend's viewpoint would me a good idea. Maybe it'll help some people get from being listed as "friend of abused" on police reports to leading normal sane lives again.

A little humor, good advice, information of resources, thrown in with real stories from the best friend's perspective.

And maybe someone who's taking his crap and doesn't need to, well she might read it and leave for good. Not necessarily the ex-friend of mine in particular, but someone.


  1. Grahame Says:

    I think the book is a great idea both for the "friend" and for the "abusee".

    Sometime people are more able to see something when it is happening to someone else, so maybe the "abusee" would realize a thing or two.

    Anyway, it's worth a try.

  2. desi Says:

    Thanks for the encouragement, Grahame.

  3. Kat Says:

    I like it.
    Girl, I have some stories for you, too!

  4. I like your titles and subtitles.

    As a guy - who's felt bad for women who are in relationships they keep complaining about but keep going back to - and then wondered if maybe I should spend more time with women who don't do that - I would like to understand more from a woman's perspective. Please post a link to buy the book if you ever do write it.

  5. Mr.Pete. Says: