Shhhh! (It's blog secret day.)

Nov 18, 2008 at 4:55 AM
I'm participating in a "secret swap" for bloggers this year called "Blog Secret". I have an unknown guest blogger. I don't get to choose who I host the secret of and vice versa. I don't know who wrote this.

I would like to urge you, after you've read the below, to follow this "blog secret" link which is also in my sidebar and peruse a sampling of the other participants. What is too dishy for your own blog?

Here goes... Please leave comments for my guest blogger.


Everyone has their secrets and like everyone else I've kept mine to myself, until now... I can't tell this secret on my blog because I will be judged for it and its not something I am willing to share with everyone who reads my blog. I'm not writing this to justify what I've done. I'm not writing this for someone else to say "its ok, it was a mistake, I've been there too" it wasn't a mistake; I knew what I was doing, what I am doing. The reason I am writing this is to get it out there, to finally tell my secret.

After high school, I worked at a local resort nestled into the hillside, at one of the golf courses actually. While not in the job description from HR, my main duties were to look pretty, maybe flirt a little, smile a lot, and always make sure the golfers were treated well having anything they desired whether that be a cold beer, a preferred tee time, or their lucky golf cart. I met a lot of wealthy men working there--men who were CEO's, vice presidents, or owners of their own company. They were all alike for the most part there at the resort for a big meeting or retreat, having a weekend with the boys, or some such thing. They all wore expensive jewelry, had custom clubs, preferred top shelf liquor, and tossed Benjamin Franklins around like they were $1 bills. It wasn't unusual for them to tip us $100 or $200 a day for just being in the clubhouse and making sure the beer was cold. It was an easy job, perfect for college age kids.

One slow night a guy came in, he was in his thirties and he was alone. He didn't have his clubs with him nor did he look like he just walked off the course. This wasn't unusual, our clubhouse had a bar that was sometimes patronized by guests of the hotel who didn't want to deal with a lot of other hotel guests, it was far more private and out of the way. I served him up a cold one and made small talk. He was there for a conference and really liked the area. After a few more beers and a nearly empty bar we spent the rest of the evening just talking. When it was time to close up, he thanked me for the conversation and left. I closed up and didn't think twice about him.

He came back for the next three nights. Over conversations became more in-depth and more personal. On the third night after my shift, I joined him for dinner away from the resort. It was exhilarating! I was having dinner and incredible conversation with a man almost old enough to be my father and I was enjoying every minute of it. The rush of emotions was indescribable. Our connection was so profound that I couldn't help but be drawn to him both physically and emotionally. After spending the evening over dinner, we went back to his room for drinks, both knowing that I would be spending the night even though it wasn't verbally discussed. I also knew that he was married and had three children, but I that didn't deter me. When you are young on the verge of adulthood, one night flings are a right of passage. I figured he would go back home and I would never hear from him again. I was wrong. Before I knew what had happened our one night fling turned into a full blown affair.

He called the golf course a few days after he arrived home, we exchanged email address and he told me I could call his office number. Over the course of the next few months I fell for him, hard. He flew in again and we spent a wonderful weekend in a nearby city—dining at fancy restaurants, staying at a 4 star hotel and having some of the best sex I have ever had. Our attraction to each other grew immensely and soon we were spending three or four days a month together. Someway, somehow we found a way to be together. All the other times we exchanged emails, phone calls, and cards through the mail. We had a great respect for each other. I knew that I was free to end things at any time. It was clear that he had no intentions of ending things with his wife and I was ok with that.

To say that I didn't know what I was doing would be wrong. I knew very well what I was doing, sleeping with another woman's husband. To make matters worse, I fell in love. I gave him a piece of my heart, something that I had never done so fully with anyone else. At first I was ashamed. I wasn't raised to be the other woman. I was raised to have more dignity and respect for myself. Eventually I learned to live with what I was doing and I came to terms with it. We all have to live our own lives, even if those lives aren't what others would deem appropriate. He told me he loved me and I believed him. There were fancy gifts, expensive vacations, trips all across the country, but nothing meant more to me than him and just having him with me. Yes, I dated and slept with other men my own age along the way but none of them compared to him. Months turned into years. Sometimes due to something going on with one of his children there would be a few months before we would see each other, but that only made our physical and emotional connection stronger, deeper and more intensifying.

Its been several years and he still holds a very large piece of my heart. We still see each other several times a year. I've stopped trying to justify what we've done and just let it be. Que sera, sera sort of thinking, I guess. I don't think of myself as the other woman anymore, even though I suppose I still am. Again, he's not the only man I've been with or fallen in love with. But he is the one I have fallen the hardest for and love the most. There is something I have with him that is undeniable. We have an incredibly close friendship. I've watched his children grow up into young adults through his pictures and stores of them. I don't know his wife and if she knows about me, it's never been mentioned. I am a strong, intelligent woman. I am also not sorry for the life I have lived. I knew from the first night that he would never leave his wife and that I was free to walk away at any time. I am not jaded, nor do I think that we will ever have a life together as a normal couple. I don't play the "what if" game. I live a full life filled with friends and family. I don't sit around waiting for him to call. When he does I am always happy to hear from him and when we are together I am with a man who loves me, respects me, and a man who knows that those feelings are returned. I don't know what the future will hold for us. I don't put my life on hold for him, I just enjoy what we have together and I have no doubt he will always be in my life--maybe not as a lover, but most certainly as a friend.


  1. Katie Says:

    Brave. That's so brave of you to admit. And the fact that you're not sorry, shows you're human. He makes you feel good, who wouldn't love that?

    I'm left wondering...if you met someone else, and fell just as hard, would you stop this wonderful affair..? Or is this a permanent part of you?

  2. wow. isn't it amazing the different forms love and satisfaction can take in our loves?

  3. Michelle Says:

    I say good for you. It sounds like you won't have any regrets wherever this relationship leads you, and I think that's what counts.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    This hits very close to home for me, I could have written this word for word, as I have also been in an intense affair with a married man who was supposed to just start off as a fling. I fell in love with him and had to break up with him after two months. I was given the false hope that he would leave his wife (naive of me to believe this)but quickly found out he wouldn't and just couldn't take it.

    I wish every day he was still in my life as a friend but we no longer speak and its been 2 years. Thank you for sharing, i know how hard it is to talk about, i know the judgement that can be passed.

  5. saratogajean Says:

    I'm glad you seem to be fully aware of what you are getting into. It's too bad his wife doesn't have that luxury.

    -I survived BlogSecret '08

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I think this falls into the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" category...

    Are you truly happy with the relationship?
    Is he truly happy with the relationship?

    If the answer to both of those is "Yes" then stop worrying about it.

  7. Redlefty Says:

    Surprisingly cool!

    This type of arrangment, in most other cultures throughout history, wouldn't carry as much stigma as it does today in the Western world.

  8. That is one big secret, and it just goes to show that these kind of situations aren't always black and white.

  9. adriana Says:

    Belle said it: it's never black and white. As long as the situation works for both of you and you have no regrets, good for you!

  10. I don't think that it's OK to participate in an affair.

    But life is complicated, and I'm not perfect either. I just hope that his wife and kids don't have to pay a price for this stolen pleasure. That's the gamble you're taking. I hope it works out for the best.

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Wow. I agree in thanking the person who wrote this for sharing; it definitely isn't a dinner conversation! Or is it black and white... by any means. But to the people who say "if it works for you and him, it's okay," what about his WIFE? Even if she doesn't know, she exists. Is it fair to her?

  12. Mandy Lou Says:

    I'm sorry for the wife, but not for you. You've gone into this with your eyes open and as clear a head as you can have about someone you're in love with. You're treating yourself with the respect you deserve, and that's important. One day you'll meet the person that takes more of your heart than he does and you'll be ready to let him go.

  13. As a married woman, my first inclination is to feel very sorry for his wife and to think of you and her husband in a not-nice light.

    As a young woman, my first inclination is to be happy for you for finding personal balance/happiness with this situation.

    As a fellow participant in BlogSecret, I think, "Holy Hell, that was one helluva secret and you have some cajones to put it out there." For this I salute you.

  14. Sra Says:

    I am ok with untraditional relationships as long as all parties involved are aware of what's up. Thus, if the wife knows about you and is ok with her husband seeing you, then y'all have my blessing (not that you're asking for it).

    Otherwise, yeah, I come from a family that was broken up by the lies involved in a secret affair. There are innocent victims in that scenario. My dad kept the secret for many, many years (and he kept his secret other child a secret too). But eventually it got to him and he couldn't take lying anymore, and it all came out. To say that I felt betrayed by someone I loved and respected is an understatement. I can't even imagine how much betrayal my mother feels. I do still have a good relationship with my dad, but he has forever stepped down from the pedestal I placed him on, and he will never have my respect.

    I hate to judge you, but just because there are reasons that make an affair understandable (as there were in my family's case), that still doesn't make it right to do. I wish you would take the high road and let this go.

  15. Alexa Says:

    whoa. but at least it had a happy ending right?

  16. egan Says:

    I think the first commenter nailed my only concern, future relationships. It's clear he's able to spoil you a bit which is going to make it difficult to forge genuine relationships with other men... or maybe not. I guess you didn't really mention how dating other men has gone.

    I can only hope the wife and kids aren't ruined by this experience later in life.

  17. Lacey Bean Says:

    Wow. I admire you admitting this, even though it was anonymous it must have been hard writing it all down.

    It must be a crazy kind of love... and hard at the same time.

  18. Holly Says:

    I agree with Sparkling Red.

    I know you say you were raised to have more respect for yourself, and I hope you were also raised not to settle for someone who would let you BE the "other woman".


    I don't know, I don't think I could do that.

  19. Wow! I really enjoyed reading that and applaud you for sharing.

  20. Mel Heth Says:

    Don't you feel like you're sort of in limbo though? Being in love with this man and not fully being able to BE with him? I can see how affairs start, but I can't really see how they continue for years. It seems like the unmarried party would always reach a point where he/she wanted more.

  21. Far Says:

    Wow i wasnt expecting the ending but i must admit its very brave to admit it. While im sure no one ever wants to be the other woman i can see how things like this happen...