Candy from Strangers

Nov 28, 2008 at 1:17 AM
Here in Costa Rica, I've had to turn down more sex and drugs than could possibly be consumed by a shipful of sailors. I know it will disappoint some of my avid readers, but I am a little harder to get than that. My type, when I describe it to you -- which I will in detail any time you ask -- will not contain the words "crunk stumbling short guy" and I will NOT describe bringing him back to my room. I've been told horror stories about this being a common means by local thieves to get into the room so I can be "sin computadora" or "sin dinero" for the rest of my trip.

There are lots of con-men here who somehow can't dream bigger than my webcam. Apparently. Or so I'm told. Repeatedly. By every drunk gringa over the age of 40. Or maybe it's just a big plot to keep me away from those men, to keep me from finding true love with a crunk stumbling short hairless guy with an American name.

I actually had to turn down both sex and drugs from one person at the same time. I was walking to the Soda, and I'm minding my own business and walking with my usual leasurely stride. But apparently I looked like a woman on a mission to buy some blow and to get me some.

This guy (short. check. crunk. check. hairless. check. trying to look sexy. check.) wanted to sell me blow and have sex with me and he just had to tell me both things at once. (you wanna drog-as or sex with me?) What??

You wanna have sex?

Uhm. No thanks, man. Just walking here.

You wanna have sex or buy drog-as. Which want? Come on. You buy.

Someone apparently failed to tell me that I had so few options left.

No really. Maybe he should have decided which one he was going to try to talk to me about before he came up and started selling me his body and his drugs. He looked drunk enough to maybe get them confused? (Like he was gonna try to sniff his dingaling up his nose and vice versa.)

But you gotta hand it to him, the guy had some cajones trying to sell me both at once. (Maybe if he'd thrown in a free toaster I'd have gone for it?)

Another thing. All of this with a policia standing RIGHT ... THERE.

Policemen don't DO anything, they just stand there looking bored and suspicious of you. And they talk amongst themselves. If you ever see one. And they're all weilding guns they obviously don't know the first thing about. They'd probably have to hit you over the head with those monster automatic rifles if they ever had to use them.

There are armed guards carrying shotguns at every supermarket, too. Wacky.

Oh! And one other thing.

All the younger people have names like "William" or "Giovanni" or "Nicole" or "Janet" or "Charlie" -- apparently there is a law against giving your child a hispanic name, that was only put in place in the last 20 years.

Except my night guard. His name is "Gusto" which is a very happy name.

Oh! And one more thing.

Cars can drive on pretty much everything. You city people have no idea. Costa Rican Gringos will drive on anything. A - NY - THING. At ridiculous life-threatening speeds. And right down the middle. Maybe that's because it costs less than $3.00 to repair a tire here. And because open containers in the car are normal here. Yes I mean beer. I saw a cop with an open beer in his hand climbing back onto his motorscooter.

Random things:

All cops wear flak vests, and all the time.

The buses are Mercedes Benz and HUGE but the cars are tiny.

Fishermen have great legs. I noticed this. Probably from having to balance and work so hard. Better than mine. It makes me oddly jealous.

I am not attracted to drunk strangers. Go figure.

I am not attracted to drunk and stoned old white men in columbian drug lord shirts. (You know what I mean, the standard issue white linen beach shirt.)

No one here can allow a woman to be alone. Here is how the conversation I've had twenty times lately goes:

Random Guy: Hello, beautiful.
Desi: Hello.
RG: You are beautiful. Do you have a husband?
D: No.
RG: Lovely. Do you have a boy friend?
D: No.
RG: OK. I come home with you. I keep you safe. No worries. I will love you. You are so beautiful. I want to make good, happy. Understand?
D: No gracias. I'm OK. I like being alone.
RG: No, is wrong. Why be alone? I will take care of you.
D: Really, no thank you. I'm fine.
RG: (Shrugs like I'm wasting a prime opportunity. Sucks air in through his teeth. Looks down at my boobs like they're a piece of his property he's proud of. Nods thoughtfully. And then sometimes he says...) I love you so much, you are so beautiful.

And I say thanks and walk away.

Apparently no one can believe I'm not taking them up on the offer. Because they'll try again tomorrow.

I still don't know how to say a lot in Spanish but I've learned a ridiculous number of ways to say beautiful:
juapa, hermosa, bonita, linda, and a few others I'm not able to remember right now.

It's kind of flattering until he walks away and hits on the lady next to me like FIVE seconds later. And then I realize why they're all doing this.

I'm the only girl here seemingly not attracted to this treatment.


  1. C.S. Perry Says:

    An opportunity missed is an opportunity lost.
    Who knows?
    It might have been worth it....either for the weed, the sex or maybe...both.

  2. Sleepy Scott Says:

    I thought we short, crunk, hairless dudes had what all the ladies really wanted. I guess not.

    Nice post.

  3. desi Says:

    @CSPerry. It wasn't weed.

    @SleepyScott Maybe, like anything else, it's all in the pitch?

    Today I had someone walk up to me and say "I love you! What is your name?" as the opening to the above conversation.

  4. Hello Desi! I´m from Costa Rica. Your experience isn't common here in my little country.

    I say: Sorry!

    Excuse my english, I'm studying to improve my skills.

  5. Kat Says:

    "I love you, what is your name!" is my new all-time favorite pick up line.

  6. Shelley Says:

    Ah yes I live here. And it is common, at least here at the beach! The funniest pickup line I've had used on me when I was swimming with a girlfriend was "Excuse me you lesbian?"

  7. desi Says:

    I just realized I'm totally short-phobic. I'm anti-short. I feel awful. There is NOTHING that guy can do to become taller, and I'm so not having a guy who is shorter than me. No matter what. I feel sad now.

  8. desi Says:

    Just as a note, it should be said that these are the NIGHT TIME folks. The day folks are nothing LIKE this. Clean living, hard working people. Very respectable. Night crawlers in every beach town get like this, I guess.

  9. I must have missed my calling as a Costa Rican, I've been dying to use the line, "You wanna have sex or buy drog-as?"