I miss smoking today

Aug 10, 2006 at 5:06 PM
Honestly, I am having a very hard time not smoking right now. I know the reasons perfectly: Cigarettes would be replacement randomity for me during this period of negative randomity in my life. Perfectly sensible reason to wreak havoc on my physical well being.

Long stretches of time go by without human contact for me right now, and cigarettes would just be something to DO to fill that time.

But that doesn't change how much I want one today. I found myself thinking, "Just one" - just like I did when I started up again last time. It's fucked up.

And it doesn't help that when my sister visited, she was smoking away, being all young, and smokey, and laid back and all that. And smoking all over the place. I have NEVER smoked as much as my sister is smoking right now. She's in that danger zone. It was at least a pack a day. It was silly. She looked ridiculous doing it, and hunched over. She doesn't even know how to smoke right, hasn't gotten flicking ashes away down to a science yet and she's totally hooked.

I was sneering internally, but that doesn't change that being around it made me wish for the bond that smoking with loved ones can be. And it brought back the physical addiction to have it happening around me, to have to go buy her those damned menthols.

Dear God, I want to smoke today. HELP ME BE STRONG.

Maybe I just need to remind myself why I don't smoke anymore.

Or maybe I just need to get completely snockered instead. ;)

1 Responses to I miss smoking today

  1. Mikey Says:

    There is not one good reason for smoking. There are several good reasons for not smoking. Yet some how the desire to smoke is still there. Insane? Nope, that is just the plain truth of addiction. I have not been able to completely resist smoking myself. I still have one/two smokes when I am out with friends doing the drinking beer and playing pool thing. Even that is too much for me these days as my lungs feel heavy, I start to get a sore throat and sometimes even a cough. Not to mention my energy is sapped and my skin protests by creating pimples in random places.

    I know that by drinking or smoking I am poisoning my body. Even eating bad foods is a form of slow poisoning. Fortunately I know the body is resilliant and if I keep away from the poisons I can heal my body. Meanwhile resisting temptation sucks. :( It takes a very strong will to stop smoking, and an even stronger one to be healthy.